Chapter 5

The Results of the False Beliefs

The concepts and principles that have been discussed are merely that. Unless it can be shown how they translate into human existence and cause problems in our relationships, they’re purely academic fodder.

If we really have received untrue judgments from unqualified judges, and if believing their messages really has made us somehow dysfunctional or unhealthy, then there ought to be some evidence of that.

Have you ever known children who seem to feel inadequate? Besides whatever harmful messages they might get from their parents, children also are exposed to advertising’s image of what they ought to be. Boys are supposed to be bronzed, handsome, and athletic while girls are supposed to be trimly curvaceous and beautiful. In addition, each of them is supposed to display the trappings of fashion. Advertisers, particularly through television, project images of the ideal which no child could possibly achieve. The messages these children get from their parents and society would have little impact if the children didn’t place such trust in the messengers.

When children feel inadequate, they’re frequently afraid to express themselves honestly. After all, if they don’t like themselves, how could they expect anyone else to like them? So they try to create an image that isn’t really them at all. They learn to be dishonest, responding at least as much to what they think the trusted messengers want to see and hear as to what they truly want to do or say. If they’ve learned to trust people whose beliefs and values are at odds with those of their parents, then let the parents beware. The children have placed their trust in others, perhaps because they finally realized the parents weren’t as qualified and dependable as the children initially assumed them to be. Nor as qualified and dependable as the parents led the children to believe they were. The children depended on the parents to give them a sense of identity, a sense of worth, and a sense of security that were fulfilling and comfortable. The parents couldn’t do that. The resulting resentment was inevitable. We all know teenagers who resent their parents and rebel against the image their parents think they should maintain. Many in our society are willing to view that rebellion as inherent in teenagers, possibly avoiding responsibility for their own participation. Each of us also knows teenagers who show little or no open defiance or rebellion. It can’t be inherent.

As these children approach adulthood, the images they project may change, but they may not be any more honest in terms of who they really are or what they really feel. The pressure they get from peers also will change, but it won’t diminish. Though parental validation of their identity, worth, and security may be less important to them now, they’ll simply seek that validation in other relationships.

Do you know any adults who are staying in romantic relationships when it’s obvious they’re being either physically or emotionally abused? Do you wonder why they don’t get out of them? Frequently they don’t think they can. The person who’s abusing them has all the power. They’ve placed their trust in that person’s message that they’re dependent on that person for their sense of security, identity, or worth. Perhaps they may even assume they deserve to be treated in such a fashion.

Do you know any people who maintain a romantic relationship that is, for all practical purposes, dead? They share little with each other, do little with each other, and appear to have nothing in common. Their only animation in the relationship may be when they’re criticizing each other or disagreeing about something. Why do they accept those kinds of relationships? Could it be that even in the midst of their pain, emptiness, and loneliness they still find some unhealthy sense of identity, worth, or security they think they deserve or need?

Do you know any people who are staying in jobs they hate? Who are constantly complaining about the way things are being done and about the people who allow the situation to continue? Are they honest with their employers about their feelings? Or are they afraid they’ll get into trouble—that their security will be threatened—if they express themselves honestly?

Do you know people whose jobs were eliminated, resulting in their layoff? Did they resent their employers for failing to provide the job security that the people had assumed would be provided? The employers may never have said the jobs would last forever and the people received accurate checks on a timely basis, but they assumed that the jobs would be secure for as long as the employees wanted them. Were those assumptions of security the fault of the employers or the fault of the employees?

Do you know any practitioners of religion who would be afraid to disclose to their priest, pastor, rabbi, etc. the conduct of their lives, the nature of their business dealings, or the dynamics of their personal relationships? Why be afraid to be honest?

Do you know people who are nervous about openly discussing how much money they make, how much they spent for something, or how much they have in the bank? Or perhaps you know people who simply thrive on talking about such things. It’s as though this information affects our assessment of their worth as individuals. Why should they care what we think unless their sense of worth is dependent on our messages to them?

Do you know of people whose sense of identity, worth, or security is so diminished that they attempt to escape from reality through drugs or alcohol? Or through excessive reading, watching movies, or watching television? Or through depression and withdrawal?

Do you know any people who are easily manipulated and controlled simply because they’re afraid to say “no?” Do you know any people who seem to have the desire to control and manipulate others through fear and intimidation? Do you know people who are afraid to express themselves publicly for fear of being thought foolish?

If you know any of these people, then you’ve seen the evidence of the concepts and principles that have been discussed. An assortment of people have given each of us messages about their qualifications and dependability in telling us who we are, what we’re worth, and in what our security lies. The pronouncements have not been true. The judges have not been qualified. But we’ve assumed the messages to be true and the judges to be authoritative, leading us to be fearful and defensive about sharing who we really are and what we really feel about ourselves and our environment. We simultaneously deny others the opportunity of knowing us and discourage them from letting us know them. Instead of insisting on relationships that are honestly and openly comfortable, we try instead to fit into forced and dishonest relationships, some of which provide nothing but pain or displeasure.

If we continue to trust the messengers and to believe their judgments, we will continue to be both victims and perpetrators of these dishonest and dysfunctional relationships. And the evidence will continue to flourish.