Chapter 6

Victims and Perpetrators of the False Beliefs

1. Conscious Victim

2. Conscious Perpetrator

3. Subconscious Victim

4. Subconscious Perpetrator

I’ve used the terms “victim” and “perpetrator” in discussing the learning, teaching, and reinforcement of our untrue beliefs. It’s important that everyone understands that each of us is both victim and perpetrator. Some people will identify with that and acknowledge they are both. Others will see themselves as having been victimized in relationships, but won’t see how they’ve victimized others. Still others will be aware of their ability to victimize people, but could not acknowledge themselves as having been victimized.

A victim is generally someone who has been harmed. A perpetrator is generally the person who has harmed the victim. Unless people acknowledge they are both, harmful situations may develop. People who have been victimized may have a need to be consoled or cared for. They may need to deal with anger or resentment at the way they were treated. They may need to grieve if their victimization caused the loss of someone or something they cherished. They also have a need to forgive. Unless victims acknowledge the fact they’ve been victimized, they’ll not be aware of those needs.

In the diagram above, the people who are Conscious Victims (Grid 1) are conscious of being victimized. This allows them to deal with their needs appropriately when they’ve been victimized. It allows them to get help or support from others in overcoming the effects of the victimization. It allows them to heal to the point they can get on with their lives, carrying minimized effects of whatever the offense against them.

People who are Subconscious Victims (Grid 3) are not conscious of being victimized. Does that mean they don’t need consoling or care? Does that mean they harbor no anger or resentment? Does that mean they have no grief or sense of loss? Does that mean they have no need to forgive? No. It simply means those needs aren’t likely to be met. Instead of seeking care, they may feel like no one cares about them. Rather than expressing their anger or resentment and letting it out, they may bottle it up until it becomes general instead of specific to the incident. Instead of dealing with their grief, they may simply feel isolated or abandoned. Rather than forgiving, they may carry some sense that perhaps the victimization was deserved.

Victims who refuse to acknowledge their victimization are likely to become frequent victims.

Potential victims need protection from perpetrators. If people are incapable of seeing themselves as potential victims, there will be no sense of vigilance, no precautions, and no protection. They will be easy prey for the perpetrator.

Just as there is a need to protect potential victims, there is a need to keep potential perpetrators under control. If people have no awareness of their capacity to hurt other people, they would feel no need to keep themselves in check.

People who acknowledge this capacity to hurt others (Grid 2) can be more cautious in the types of behavior and messages they display. They can be more thoughtful and considerate in expressing their displeasure or their grievances. They can attempt to avoid situations where harm may fall on someone. Even after having behaved thoughtlessly or inconsiderately, they’ll be more aware of the need to apologize and to ask for forgiveness. The perpetrator needs to be forgiven. The Conscious Perpetrator will be much more receptive to constructive criticism and to other peoples’ choices concerning what they want to do independent of the perpetrator.

What of the Subconscious Perpetrators? Having no realization of their ability to hurt others, they may not even treat people with common courtesy. Though people around them may be in great emotional upheaval, they’d never consider that they may have caused it. They’d be unlikely to apologize for anything. What would they apologize for if they believed they’d done nothing harmful? Not believing they were causing harm to anyone, they’d have a difficult time dealing with anger from their victims. They’d take it as a personal attack rather than as a grievance concerning their behavior. To them, it would be an unreasonable and hurtful attack. The Subconscious Perpetrators have a hard time with criticism. Since nothing they do affects anyone else, then what right do others have to criticize them? The Subconscious Perpetrators are likely to victimize others most frequently.

People who are Conscious Perpetrator/Subconscious Victim are the easiest people to victimize. While thoughtfully and considerately keeping their tendency to harm others in check, they assume no precaution in protecting themselves from victimization.

Those who are Conscious Victim/Subconscious Perpetrator are the people who are most likely to victimize others. In practicing what they might consider to be precautionary or defensive measures in protecting themselves, they may completely devastate others who have no inclination to hurt them in the first place.

The people who are most healthy are the ones who are Conscious Victim/ Conscious Perpetrator. While recognizing the importance of dealing with their needs, they are also aware of their responsibility to do no harm to those around them.

How does this relate to the judges and their judgments? Have you ever been in a relationship in which the other party could affect your sense of identity, your sense of worth, or your sense of security? Could anyone ever make you feel better or worse about who you are, what you’re worth, or how secure you are? If so, then you’ve been victimized spiritually. Have you ever caused another party to feel any of those things? If so, then you’ve been a spiritual perpetrator.

We are spiritual beings by virtue of the fact that we question—either consciously or subconsciously—who we are, what we’re worth and in what or in whom our security lays. Our spiritual orientation is determined when we place our trust in some one or some thing to answer those questions. The issues of identity, worth, and security are spiritual issues. Just as there are physical truths, emotional truths, and intellectual truths, there are also spiritual truths. Spiritual health is the result of having our spiritual needs met. If people were capable of having these needs met perfectly, allowing them to become perfectly healthy spiritually, no force on earth could make them question who they are, what they’re worth, or in what their security lies. Relationships with other people and groups could then be maintained honestly and openly without the fear of control, manipulation, abandonment, or feelings of inadequacy.